What I really meant this whole time...

Since (insert date that I can't remember here), I've been saying that I wish I could go back in time, wish I had more time, wish to trade everything to relive middle school.

Perhaps I never meant that. Maybe this whole time I've just been wanting to be ignorant again.

Sometimes I'm extremely jealous of my friends, and everyone younger than me. A vast majority of them are naive, young, and... ignorant. I never really understood that word until recently- it was one of those words I just skimmed across while reading- half ignoring, half not caring. Ignorance was a topic discussed in class, with me not paying attention and (again) not caring... But I've finally come to realize what people mean by "Ignorance is bliss".

People are born with ignorance, of course. No one comes into this world knowing everything- all the good, but more importantly, the bad and the ugly. I believe that this time, last year, I was still blissfully ignorant, happy, and pretty satisfied with life. I didn't really care when all the adults complained about how fast each year was going by, how oooolldd they were getting.

Whenever I try to talk to my mom about this stuff, she tells me to stop talking. She said I shouldn't be thinking these things at such a young age. She says how, when she was my age, and even older, she didn't think very much about topics I ponder on. I think she wishes I were still ignorant too.

Why I Read -short blurb.

We're reading Fahrenheit 451 in English, right now, and we have daily discussions on various aspects from book, one being "Why People Read".

So... Why do I read?

Like I have said before in previous blog posts, I am not loving this school year, thus far. There's no enthusiasm in waking up at 6 or earlier every morning, and nothing to look forward to throughout the day. It's 5:46, and though I've been home for more than an hour, I haven't started homework yet. Instead, I've been reading short stories and such on inkpop.com. I want something to look forward to in my life right now, but unfortunately I don't, so what do I do? I read, and it makes me feel like I am the main character in the story, and I get to feel what they're feeling. I get to look forward to their first date, or first pet dragon- whatever.

In short, I read when my own life is uninteresting.


Edit: That's not true. I admit my life is very interesting, and at this moment, I wouldn't want to trade it with anyone. However, that's not to say that my life hasn't been better, and I do wish for more. So yeah.

Wanting......

I realized that for a long time, I have been wanting something... something in life.

I always go to the kitchen pantry, look for something to snack on, but just can't seem to find anything, though there always is food.

I feel like I'm getting restless, like when I took drawing class, and felt uncomfortable because I had to sit for long periods of time. Maybe it's because I've been in the same house, same city, same place for the past decade. (God, I sound old) Or maybe it's just that there's nothing I'm especially looking forward to, for the near future, at least.

But walking up the stairway from my 5th visit to the pantry today, I came to the realization that perhaps I just want to know. I'm still scared of the future, and sometimes I think about dying. Not the emo, suicidal kind of dying, but how it might be to die.

A couple summers ago there was that big earthquake that scared the crap out of me, a week before the release of Breaking Dawn. I was so terrified of dying that I rarely stayed inside the house, and at night I slept on the air mattress  downstairs, lodging myself in between the back of the sofa and the wall, so that in case the ceiling comes down, I might be protected. Of course, these precautions weren't necessary. In contrast, the person I am today isn't scared of dying; however, I wouldn't want to kill myself. Personally, I would be a little sad to die before knowing whether or not I would grow up to be successful. What would make me sad is leaving behind my friends and family, whom I know have undying love and support for me, and I wouldn't want to inflict any pain on them. I know this sounds conceited, but: I'm sure I've affected many people in my lifetime, and they wouldn't want me to die. I'm not saying I am living solely for them, but it is encouraging to think that way.

Helllooo Dance & the weekend

I love dances. They're always the best for a number of reasons:

-You can go crazy and scream and yell and dance around, and no one will think you're insane because everyone is doing the same.

-GREAT stress reliever, especially with friends.

-Get to meet and dance with people you usually don't talk to at school.

-Excercise! I'm sore right now!

However, I made a sad realization last night that this was technically my first high school dance. I know that most people would be ecstatic to be attending their first 'real' dance, but that's not the case with me. It's just one dance closer to the last high school dance.

I know I'm getting more and more pessimistic these days, but I can't help it )=

Ah vell.

Time to do homework....................... Piano in 4 hours. Haven't practiced all week. aaaaahhhh!

it's beeeen a whiiiiile

Hello blogger,

It's me. (=

I know it's been a while. Sorry for abandoning you for so long )= )= )= I miss you!
Being blinded by my frustration one month ago, I subconsciously decided to stop blogging, convincing myself that it was only adding to my stress. But now I am one twelfth of a year older, and much wiser.

I know we've had our ups and downs, but blogger, oh blogger, you mean a lot to meeeeeeeeeeeee.

School is tiring. so tiring. exhausting. I knew it would be difficult, but I guess I wasn't expecting it so soon.

This year is quite different from the rest. Perhaps it is because my environment is not at all new anymore, or maybe there isn't something in particular that I'm looking forward to, but I don't feel the same way I had last year, or the year before.

In 7th grade, I was excited and scared, but there was this exhilaration in feeling like a "big kid".

The night before the first day of 8th grade, I could hardly fall asleep. I remember lying there on my bed for 2 hours, not being able to surrender to unconsciousness. Again, the exhilaration.

Now it has been exactly 1 week and 13 hours since my first day of school, and I don't feel anything but tiredness. I can't say I am weary or dreading school, but if I had the choice, I would not go. I wish for summer again. If I had the choice to trade everything I have right now to go back in time and start 7th grade over, I would. Those two years of middle school were the best I ever had. I'm sure high school will be fun too. I have already laughed more than I had last month, but I feel a weight on me that I don't think will ever go away. Does this feeling come with age?

I don't know, but I do know I have to get crackin' at my Algebra 2 homework!!!

Hasta luego!

Stress stress stress

My stress level is so high right now. arghhh!!!
This summer was supposed to be my summer of productivity. I expected myself to do so many things. But now, with less than a month left, everywhere I look I see my failures- my barely touched guzheng, barely played saxophone, piano that I SWORE I would practice every single day in hopes of skipping a CM level again and proving my piano teacher wrong. My violin that I wanted to practice at least 3 times a week just to keep my violin teacher happy and redeem myself at the recital in October after failing last year... I come to my desk and see the opened pages of my Spanish textbook that I still can't understand. My Algebra 2 notes and workbooks that remind me of how bad I am at math. Daddy's right. I do suck at math. Even though I'm a year ahead and all that crap, I don't actually GET it. I just stumble through everything and get the grades.
I walk by the sewing machine and remember how I wanted to make a lot of clothes and design so much stuff... but I only made one lonely pair of pants.
My Cerritos College Catalog on the ground that I threw days ago in frustration because I didn't sign up for my classes in time, and now they're all full. My entire book shelf that's constantly in my face, filled with all the books I never read, the Chinese I never studied, the French I never finished.
I go to sleep at midnight every night VOWING to not do the same the next day so that I can actually keep up my morning routine, but failing myself over and over again. )=

The school year hasn't even started and I'm already super stressed. What will I be like when I have 7 classes in the day and a shitload of homework? AGHHASLDHWUITOEHREOSHFLDSKHF

What have I been up to?

It feels like I've been so busy this past... week, but when I look back and ask myself what I have been doing, it all comes down to:





nothing.

Really, I haven't been productive. Yes, I've been quite successful in avoiding facebook and practicing more violin, but I can't think of any major accomplishments.

I started practicing saxophone yesterday, and I spent almost all of today TRYING to learn pop songs by ear.
I finally gave up because I am now more sure that I'm semi- tone deaf, so I looked up the score for Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat's "Lucky". It's written in D Major for piano, so I had to transpose it to the key of A Major to play on E flat alto sax. So far so good! Maybe when I perfect it I will post a video :D

But THIS duet is the cutest yet!