Missing You, 500 Days of Summer, Ramblings

CAUTION WARNING AHHH: The following blog post contains numerous amounts of sentences that will make absolutely NO sense to the reader. Read at your own risk.

Hi.
sooooo
I realized that this blog started out as me talking about things that happened in my day- those big events. Now, it has evolved into me NOT talking about the big things, but more about everything in between. Maybe I should rename this blog... Whatever.

SO I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am missing a lot of people in my life right now. Lately I've been trying to avoid naming names, but I'm not feeling secretive today. By missing people, I mean I miss them emotionally, rather than physically, because some people, I see at school everyday and we're just not like how we used to be... I ask why, and all that comes to mind is "...what always happens: life." (anyone recognize that quote from 500 Days of Summer?! :D )

Like I was saying, I've been missing people more than ever. Friends who are labeled as close to me, barely talk to me anymore. But that brings me to another point- maybe it's the "labeling" that is making things awkward. For example, Jimmy and I said we were each other's BFFLs, that we would stay best friends for life (LOL). And even though we talk to each other almost everyday on Gmail chat, it doesn't feel real. There's like this barrier of awkwardness between us that I can't get passed. I subconsciously thought that putting another label on our relationship would help, (hence us agreeing to marry at 40 if we're both single) but it really doesn't. I'm starting to think that maybe if we hadn't labeled ourselves last year, this wouldn't be happening. Sure, we would still be drifting apart, but at least there wouldn't be the awkward "we're supposed to be best friends" thought in the back of my head. SIGHH HI JIMMY. YOU'RE PROBABLY READING THIS. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE ANYWAYS.

Aside from that, I've made up my mind to not have secrets anymore. I think I am a changed person, since the start of the school year. After watching 500 Days of Summer (yes, I am still a little obsessed...), I have a slightly different outlook on life. I am going to be one of those "open book" people. Ask me anything, and I'll respond with my utmost honesty. Seriously. I feel so free, I feel like I have nothing to hide at all. But that's probably also because I don't "like" anyone anymore... T_T That's probably how it's going to be for the rest of my life, though. Sorry if the last few sentences didn't make any sense. It makes sense in my head.

I'm just rambling now, but hey, that's the point of blogs, right? I'm going to go a little further into discussing my love life situation, or my lack of one. Whenever I think I am "in like" with a person, I tend to become extremely awkward- more so than usual. I don't act like myself, and I become vulnerable to everything that they do or say.
Scenario 1: I call said person, and he doesn't pick up. 3 times. I become sad. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Girl, that's just sad.
Scenario 2: We're talking on AIM, and it's getting late. I think to myself, Cindy, this is what life is. These are the things you're going to remember. If you go to sleep, you won't be making memories you could have made. Sleep is a waste of time. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Said person can make me not sleep- something that I, as a weak immune-ed person, desperately need.
Scenario 3: I take 30 minutes getting dressed in the morning. Enough said.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that whenever there is a special someone in my life, I lose control of the things I do, and that's not good. Since, from now on, I'm going to be blatantly honest, I HAVE been talking to someone late at night, but I'm not going to go down that same road again. It's really not worth it. I'm sleepy.

what i do when i'm sad ):

hello, I am so mad right now, it makes me cry. Why do I cry when I am mad? because I don't know what else to do. There are really a limited amount of things a non-psychotic person can do when they are so angry. I just had a brief phone call with my piano teacher. I've been going to this woman since the second week of November, and have hated every hour at her house, very thoroughly. I hate her condescending voice. I hate the way she looks at my imperfect hand posture. I hate how she hangs up on me when SHE'S the one who calls to change our lesson schedule. I hate her exasperated tone. I hate how she made me wait OUTSIDE IN THE COLD, AT 8:30 PM (mind you, it was really dark since it's winter) for my mother. I hate her chicken-butt hair. I hate how she seems to love all her other students but me. I hate how she's so damn expensive, too.

But today I'm not going to complain about my life so much. I've found that when I'm mad/sad, cleaning really helps take my mind off things. What?! Cleaning?? but you're Cindy! you're a whale/lazy butt/person who despises cleaning! Yes, yes I am all that, but it just helps. And it's nice because I get something good out of it: an approachable room.

Volunteering and Summer

Sometimes I can't stand my dad. I was reading the Connection Center newsletter that our school sends out every week, and finally, FINALLY I saw an opportunity to volunteer at the Aquarium of the Pacific for teens 14-16. Last year, volunteens had to be 15, so I jumped at the number. I clicked the link to the site, and it was, in fact 14-16. The Spring application is due January 14th (I think), and the session starts March 5th. There's a summer one, too. I asked my dad if he thought that I would be able to have enough time during the spring to do it, and he said no. Well, I thought so anyway, since Spring is always the busiest time of the year for me. So I said, "Oh well, I'll just stick to summer, then," but he started going on and on about how I wouldn't have time. "Don't you want to do other things with your life? Education should come first. If you don't have your academics done, you can't do anything. Do you really have that much time to waste? If you finish your math and science, then you can do lots of things. But if you do that, then your education will be bad and everything else will be bad too." That doesn't even make any sense, but I can't volunteer anymore.

And it sucks because I don't even know if I really want to volunteer there. Or rather, if it will be any form of exciting, since my last summer volunteering experience at the Cerritos Library was so terrible. I guess I'm a little scared. What if I go through the whole application/essay/letters of rec/interview process and find out that it really IS a huge waste of time. After all summer volunteering sessions are 2 days a week, 5 hours each day. Transportation would take a while, too. What if I end up standing around, looking at the same fish everyday? On the other hand, I could be having the time of my life, learning about sea creatures and possibly finding out what I want to become when I'm older, as well as learning more communication skills and such (because as a Volunteen, I would be teaching the guests about whatever animals I am assigned too).

I do have quite a few things I want to get done this summer though. Although it's still half a year away, I know I have to:

• take Health class
• learn more Spanish. That may mean working at Mama's office. ugh.
• possibly go to China for business stuff. ugh. I hate China. but I want to go see exactly how the factories will produce my stuff.
• more math.

I know I shouldn't have too many expectations, because as I should know by now, things tend to crash and burn when too much goes on. I'll keep it at that for now, and we'll see where that takes me. But for now, I guess no volunteering at aquariums for me. ):

To Joy Part 2

Okay here it is:

It should look like this, but be very sure that it's the WATERPROOF version!

1. Maybelline Full 'n' Soft WATERPROOF Mascara- should be around $5.94

 YUP THAT'S IT.

HEHEHEH <3

Looking like shit......zu

My yearbook teacher (who is my favorite teacher in the world) one day told me about a female student of hers who attends an all-girls school. That student said that she loves her school so much because all the girls are so relaxed and 'chill' without any boys. No one wears makeup, or feels the need to fix their hair every morning, and most girls just go to school in pajamas or sweats everyday. I didn't really understood. While my teacher was telling me about that I sort of thought, "Even if I went to an all-girls school, I would still do everything I do in the morning and make myself look all nice. It must be terrible to go to school where everyone looks like a slug."

But I just curled my hair using rollers after I took a shower, and my hair is very pretty right now. I finished spraying my hair with super hard hold hairspray, hoping that it'll last until the morning. (Which I really doubt, but it's worth a shot!) As I chat (or actually stop chatting) with Jimmy, I am kind of realizing that I'm not all that excited about dressing up for school anymore. I'm actually just, overall, not excited to go to school. I really don't mind wearing my hobo windbreaker jacket and a potato-sack shirt. Why? Because there are no boys in my life that matter enough for me to want to make a huge effort. I admit that last year, there were quite a few. Maybe I'm looking too deep into this, but I'm starting to think that the whole reason why girls dress nicely (or try to) is to "impress" some guy at school. Lucky guys.

Meh.

Annoyance and Pretty People

I know I am easily irritable, and I know I have a short temper. I try not to blame it on PMS, and I try not to be mad, but sometimes it's just too darn hard. Why are people so annoying? What's worse is that they don't know they're annoying me, and I feel bad for being annoyed since they're not doing it on purpose.

I don't want to start naming people because things did not turn out well when I was all too honest back in 6th grade. Let's just say that Winter Formal plans are making me annoyed.

Maybe it's because I have that strange need to always be right, and to always have things go my way. If you haven't noticed, I'd say about 80% of the time, I always have people agree with me, and end up doing things my way. Perhaps it's because I'm the youngest in the family, and everyone spoils me, etc etc etc. And to be blatantly honest, people tend to like people who are pretty. It's quite unfair. That's why most pretty people are bitches. I'm not trying to say that I think I am pretty, but I know that some people think I am. And it's weird, because once one person thinks a certain way, people around them just start agreeing, and before you know it, a majority of the population will all think like that. (did that make any sense?) For example, there's this horridly ugly (inside and out) boy in our grade, who everyone thinks is attractive. He's not nice, he's not cute, but at the beginning of 7th grade, some girl probably started crushing on him, and so everyone else started noticing him, and pretty soon, A LOT of girls started liking him. And they still like him. It's quite disgusting.

SO ANYWAY, my point? I shouldn't be annoyed, but I am.

Self Examination and Inkpop

Sometimes I feel guilty about being friends with people. Maybe not for actually being friends with them, but my reasons for being friends with them. Sometimes I feel like I'm friends with people, or show displays of friendship in public just for attention, or because I want something from that friendship. I hate to think of myself that way, but I can't deny some truth in it. =/

Anyway, I just finished reading a very cute story from inkpop.com, a site where aspiring writers (who are mostly teens) publish their completed or uncompleted novels, short stories, poems, etc. The novel I just read is here: http://inkpop.com/projects/8473/what-friends-are-for/read-project/?chapterid=13872#chapter I don't really agree with the ending, but it is a cute story.

PS. Jimmy and I decided that we're going to marry each other if we're both single at 40. I know that sounds odd, and maybe even unlikely (because I'm pretty sure he's gonna be married before then), but I might not be married by then. Whatever; I still have Jasmine and Maria, along with our 127 dogs and chickens. )=