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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Hair cut, finally

After years of promising that I would but always chickening out, I’ve finally cut my hair.

I had been planning on doing it since 9th grade. I kept telling myself that I was waiting for the best time: after Formal, after Prom, after the winter, after my pageant, after the school year ended, etc. etc. etc., but the truth was, I was too scared to. If it had been anyone else, I would have asked, “Scared of what? It’s just hair; it’ll grow back.” However, I found myself in a pit of insecurities. It was only a few days ago that I realized why.

My ex-boyfriend (along with the rest of the world) always told me how beautiful my long, luscious locks were. He had a very specific preference for hair styling, too: side-swept bangs and long, wavy curls. Whenever we went out, he’d ask me to style it that way. And if I ever mentioned the thought of cutting my hair, he’d convince me not to. It wasn’t just him; most of my other friends, as well as my mother, liked me with my long hair. Eventually, I developed this idea that if I didn’t have my long hair, my defining quality, I wouldn’t be pretty anymore, and nobody would like me.

We broke up in January. I thought of chopping off all my hair in defiance, in a show of “I don’t need you anymore” (both my hair and my ex), but I couldn’t do it. I needed it to feel beautiful. Allowing only periodic trims to get rid of split ends, my hair grew longer and longer, to the point of discomfort. There were too many knots and tangles; the showers were too long and used up too much product; the weight of my hair gave me neck pains at times; it had become a burden.

On the night of Friday, October 12, I became victim to a traumatic event, which I am still uncomfortable discussing about. These past couple of months after it happened have been extremely stressful for me, and I think that’s what pushed me over the edge. I finally came to my senses and decided that I don’t give a flying fuck about what everyone thinks of my physical features. I was tired of hiding, of being scared, and of being insecure. I wanted to do this for myself.

Although it just looks like normal person length now, this was a huge step for me. I promise you and myself, I will cut it into a bob some day, but for now, I can pretend I have a bob by showing only my first layer.

Top left: before
Top right: after
Bottoms: front layer faux bob
Before & faux bob