Search This Blog

Monday, January 24, 2011


Sometimes this is not a good thing. I had to write about this for my PRA essay portion, and I sucked at it.

Anyway, along with having no secrets, I decided to become blatantly honest with myself and with people around me. It's only been Day 1, and so far tensions have arose. Sigh. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Nostalgia and Lack of Love

Have I ranted on this subject before? I feel like I have, but I can't be sure, and I' too lazy to check. Either way, I would like to rant/rant further.

I hate it when people don't feel the same way as I do at the same time. I know it sounds ridiculous to even ask that sort of thing of someone, but it makes me so sad when I'm not on the same page as someone, emotionally. (When do I ever NOT talk about emotional things?? haha) For example, I visit the Facebook page of an old friend's. I look through our past photos, conversations, and reminisce about our old memories. I leave a post on their wall saying, "HI, I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU, WE SHOULD HANG OUT!" they reply the next day with a, "HEEY CINDY. OKAY <3" Now that sounds all fine and dandy, but how do I know they didn't just type that in a quarter of a second, and then forgot about me and carried on with life, without thinking how much I really missed them? Sometimes it's the other way around, and I don't realize what I've done until I'm all lonely/got it done to me. It sucks how we're not all telepathic. I'm just super nostalgic all the time.

I hate love songs, especially good ones. I know that THAT really sounds ridiculous, because why would anyone like bad love songs? Well, bad songs don't make me feel anything. They're just there for me to hum while changing, and to sing at the top of my lungs while biking. There are no feelings or emotions involved, and I forget about them in half a year, and move on to the other crappy songs. What drives me crazy though, is when there's a song that I really like. Now, there are two possibilities that can come out of my great like for a song-
1) I listen to it so much that I get sick of it and want to puke at the sound of it. (I've talked about this in an earlier post); and
2) It makes me want to cry/puke/do both the first time I hear it, especially in love songs.

The first possibility means that the song is nice, but not extremely good, since I can still stand to hear it 100 times before I can't stand it. I still want to hum and sing it for the time being, which, by transitive property, means that it has some crappy qualities about it. But like I said, still nice. The latter possibility only applies to songs that are amazing. They're so good that I can't listen to it anymore or else I will seriously cry/puke/do both. The reason why this occurs in good love songs a lot is because:
1) Most songs are about love; and
2) I hate love songs
Maybe I'm just pessimistic because romantic love is not a subject I'm too comfortable with. It would take another blog post to explain all of that, but basically, I don't think I'll ever find love like that. I'm much too judgmental, selfish, and unrealistic. Quick blurb:

2:48 AM x: So how long did that relationship last?
 me: approximately 2 weeks
 ex: -.-
  That's not a full relationship then!
  You can't let yourself say
  I don't want another relationship
  Just from that D:
 me: i knowwww
  but still
  i just can' imagine myself
  ever getting married
  or actually loving someone
2:49 AM i don't even think i liked him at all!
 x: That's why I don't look at
  Looks first

I'll talk about this more later. I've got finals to study for. Waaahhh I wish I could just blog all day long.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Missing You, 500 Days of Summer, Ramblings

CAUTION WARNING AHHH: The following blog post contains numerous amounts of sentences that will make absolutely NO sense to the reader. Read at your own risk.

I realized that this blog started out as me talking about things that happened in my day- those big events. Now, it has evolved into me NOT talking about the big things, but more about everything in between. Maybe I should rename this blog... Whatever.

SO I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am missing a lot of people in my life right now. Lately I've been trying to avoid naming names, but I'm not feeling secretive today. By missing people, I mean I miss them emotionally, rather than physically, because some people, I see at school everyday and we're just not like how we used to be... I ask why, and all that comes to mind is "...what always happens: life." (anyone recognize that quote from 500 Days of Summer?! :D )

Like I was saying, I've been missing people more than ever. Friends who are labeled as close to me, barely talk to me anymore. But that brings me to another point- maybe it's the "labeling" that is making things awkward. For example, Jimmy and I said we were each other's BFFLs, that we would stay best friends for life (LOL). And even though we talk to each other almost everyday on Gmail chat, it doesn't feel real. There's like this barrier of awkwardness between us that I can't get passed. I subconsciously thought that putting another label on our relationship would help, (hence us agreeing to marry at 40 if we're both single) but it really doesn't. I'm starting to think that maybe if we hadn't labeled ourselves last year, this wouldn't be happening. Sure, we would still be drifting apart, but at least there wouldn't be the awkward "we're supposed to be best friends" thought in the back of my head. SIGHH HI JIMMY. YOU'RE PROBABLY READING THIS. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE ANYWAYS.

Aside from that, I've made up my mind to not have secrets anymore. I think I am a changed person, since the start of the school year. After watching 500 Days of Summer (yes, I am still a little obsessed...), I have a slightly different outlook on life. I am going to be one of those "open book" people. Ask me anything, and I'll respond with my utmost honesty. Seriously. I feel so free, I feel like I have nothing to hide at all. But that's probably also because I don't "like" anyone anymore... T_T That's probably how it's going to be for the rest of my life, though. Sorry if the last few sentences didn't make any sense. It makes sense in my head.

I'm just rambling now, but hey, that's the point of blogs, right? I'm going to go a little further into discussing my love life situation, or my lack of one. Whenever I think I am "in like" with a person, I tend to become extremely awkward- more so than usual. I don't act like myself, and I become vulnerable to everything that they do or say.
Scenario 1: I call said person, and he doesn't pick up. 3 times. I become sad. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Girl, that's just sad.
Scenario 2: We're talking on AIM, and it's getting late. I think to myself, Cindy, this is what life is. These are the things you're going to remember. If you go to sleep, you won't be making memories you could have made. Sleep is a waste of time. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Said person can make me not sleep- something that I, as a weak immune-ed person, desperately need.
Scenario 3: I take 30 minutes getting dressed in the morning. Enough said.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that whenever there is a special someone in my life, I lose control of the things I do, and that's not good. Since, from now on, I'm going to be blatantly honest, I HAVE been talking to someone late at night, but I'm not going to go down that same road again. It's really not worth it. I'm sleepy.

Friday, January 14, 2011

what i do when i'm sad ):

hello, I am so mad right now, it makes me cry. Why do I cry when I am mad? because I don't know what else to do. There are really a limited amount of things a non-psychotic person can do when they are so angry. I just had a brief phone call with my piano teacher. I've been going to this woman since the second week of November, and have hated every hour at her house, very thoroughly. I hate her condescending voice. I hate the way she looks at my imperfect hand posture. I hate how she hangs up on me when SHE'S the one who calls to change our lesson schedule. I hate her exasperated tone. I hate how she made me wait OUTSIDE IN THE COLD, AT 8:30 PM (mind you, it was really dark since it's winter) for my mother. I hate her chicken-butt hair. I hate how she seems to love all her other students but me. I hate how she's so damn expensive, too.

But today I'm not going to complain about my life so much. I've found that when I'm mad/sad, cleaning really helps take my mind off things. What?! Cleaning?? but you're Cindy! you're a whale/lazy butt/person who despises cleaning! Yes, yes I am all that, but it just helps. And it's nice because I get something good out of it: an approachable room.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Volunteering and Summer

Sometimes I can't stand my dad. I was reading the Connection Center newsletter that our school sends out every week, and finally, FINALLY I saw an opportunity to volunteer at the Aquarium of the Pacific for teens 14-16. Last year, volunteens had to be 15, so I jumped at the number. I clicked the link to the site, and it was, in fact 14-16. The Spring application is due January 14th (I think), and the session starts March 5th. There's a summer one, too. I asked my dad if he thought that I would be able to have enough time during the spring to do it, and he said no. Well, I thought so anyway, since Spring is always the busiest time of the year for me. So I said, "Oh well, I'll just stick to summer, then," but he started going on and on about how I wouldn't have time. "Don't you want to do other things with your life? Education should come first. If you don't have your academics done, you can't do anything. Do you really have that much time to waste? If you finish your math and science, then you can do lots of things. But if you do that, then your education will be bad and everything else will be bad too." That doesn't even make any sense, but I can't volunteer anymore.

And it sucks because I don't even know if I really want to volunteer there. Or rather, if it will be any form of exciting, since my last summer volunteering experience at the Cerritos Library was so terrible. I guess I'm a little scared. What if I go through the whole application/essay/letters of rec/interview process and find out that it really IS a huge waste of time. After all summer volunteering sessions are 2 days a week, 5 hours each day. Transportation would take a while, too. What if I end up standing around, looking at the same fish everyday? On the other hand, I could be having the time of my life, learning about sea creatures and possibly finding out what I want to become when I'm older, as well as learning more communication skills and such (because as a Volunteen, I would be teaching the guests about whatever animals I am assigned too).

I do have quite a few things I want to get done this summer though. Although it's still half a year away, I know I have to:
  • take Health class
  • learn more Spanish. That may mean working at Mama's office. ugh.
  • possibly go to China for business stuff. ugh. I hate China. but I want to go see exactly how the factories will produce my stuff.
  • more math.
I know I shouldn't have too many expectations, because as I should know by now, things tend to crash and burn when too much goes on. I'll keep it at that for now, and we'll see where that takes me. But for now, I guess no volunteering at aquariums for me. ):

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

To Joy Part 2

Okay here it is:
It should look like this, but be very sure that it's the WATERPROOF version!
1. Maybelline Full 'n' Soft WATERPROOF Mascara- should be around $5.94



Monday, January 3, 2011

Looking like shit......zu

My yearbook teacher (who is my favorite teacher in the world) one day told me about a female student of hers who attends an all-girls school. That student said that she loves her school so much because all the girls are so relaxed and 'chill' without any boys. No one wears makeup, or feels the need to fix their hair every morning, and most girls just go to school in pajamas or sweats everyday. I didn't really understood. While my teacher was telling me about that I sort of thought, "Even if I went to an all-girls school, I would still do everything I do in the morning and make myself look all nice. It must be terrible to go to school where everyone looks like a slug."

But I just curled my hair using rollers after I took a shower, and my hair is very pretty right now. I finished spraying my hair with super hard hold hairspray, hoping that it'll last until the morning. (Which I really doubt, but it's worth a shot!) As I chat (or actually stop chatting) with Jimmy, I am kind of realizing that I'm not all that excited about dressing up for school anymore. I'm actually just, overall, not excited to go to school. I really don't mind wearing my hobo windbreaker jacket and a potato-sack shirt. Why? Because there are no boys in my life that matter enough for me to want to make a huge effort. I admit that last year, there were quite a few. Maybe I'm looking too deep into this, but I'm starting to think that the whole reason why girls dress nicely (or try to) is to "impress" some guy at school. Lucky guys.