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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Missing You, 500 Days of Summer, Ramblings

CAUTION WARNING AHHH: The following blog post contains numerous amounts of sentences that will make absolutely NO sense to the reader. Read at your own risk.

Hi.
sooooo
I realized that this blog started out as me talking about things that happened in my day- those big events. Now, it has evolved into me NOT talking about the big things, but more about everything in between. Maybe I should rename this blog... Whatever.

SO I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am missing a lot of people in my life right now. Lately I've been trying to avoid naming names, but I'm not feeling secretive today. By missing people, I mean I miss them emotionally, rather than physically, because some people, I see at school everyday and we're just not like how we used to be... I ask why, and all that comes to mind is "...what always happens: life." (anyone recognize that quote from 500 Days of Summer?! :D )

Like I was saying, I've been missing people more than ever. Friends who are labeled as close to me, barely talk to me anymore. But that brings me to another point- maybe it's the "labeling" that is making things awkward. For example, Jimmy and I said we were each other's BFFLs, that we would stay best friends for life (LOL). And even though we talk to each other almost everyday on Gmail chat, it doesn't feel real. There's like this barrier of awkwardness between us that I can't get passed. I subconsciously thought that putting another label on our relationship would help, (hence us agreeing to marry at 40 if we're both single) but it really doesn't. I'm starting to think that maybe if we hadn't labeled ourselves last year, this wouldn't be happening. Sure, we would still be drifting apart, but at least there wouldn't be the awkward "we're supposed to be best friends" thought in the back of my head. SIGHH HI JIMMY. YOU'RE PROBABLY READING THIS. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE ANYWAYS.

Aside from that, I've made up my mind to not have secrets anymore. I think I am a changed person, since the start of the school year. After watching 500 Days of Summer (yes, I am still a little obsessed...), I have a slightly different outlook on life. I am going to be one of those "open book" people. Ask me anything, and I'll respond with my utmost honesty. Seriously. I feel so free, I feel like I have nothing to hide at all. But that's probably also because I don't "like" anyone anymore... T_T That's probably how it's going to be for the rest of my life, though. Sorry if the last few sentences didn't make any sense. It makes sense in my head.

I'm just rambling now, but hey, that's the point of blogs, right? I'm going to go a little further into discussing my love life situation, or my lack of one. Whenever I think I am "in like" with a person, I tend to become extremely awkward- more so than usual. I don't act like myself, and I become vulnerable to everything that they do or say.
Scenario 1: I call said person, and he doesn't pick up. 3 times. I become sad. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Girl, that's just sad.
Scenario 2: We're talking on AIM, and it's getting late. I think to myself, Cindy, this is what life is. These are the things you're going to remember. If you go to sleep, you won't be making memories you could have made. Sleep is a waste of time. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Said person can make me not sleep- something that I, as a weak immune-ed person, desperately need.
Scenario 3: I take 30 minutes getting dressed in the morning. Enough said.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that whenever there is a special someone in my life, I lose control of the things I do, and that's not good. Since, from now on, I'm going to be blatantly honest, I HAVE been talking to someone late at night, but I'm not going to go down that same road again. It's really not worth it. I'm sleepy.
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