Oh my gosh

This is getting out of hand. It's 3:37 AM. 'nough said.

On a happier note, California Adventure on Monday with Honor Band! Yaaaaaaay!

Questions

It's 11:23 PM on a school night, with school the next morning, and I admit that, I, Cindy Li, am not asleep. Obviously.

My excuses are weak, so I won't even try.

BUT I'M JUST SO FRUSTRATED AT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I try to pretend everything's okay and I laugh it off, and when I do so, sometimes I actually believe that all these problems are funny. Somehow, though, once I am by myself and have no one to laugh with, these subjects dawn on me and I realize how much they bother me.

GRR. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

UGH I'M SORRY, READER, THAT THIS PROBABLY MAKES NO SENSE, AND YOU'RE THINKING, "What problems could a little freshman possibly have??"

The only thing positive I can say right now is that I've finally gotten some "action" and "drama" in my life. Be careful what you wish for.

Oh, and I am still sick. I probably would have been better by now if I had slept like I was supposed to, over the weekend and past few days.

I'm really contemplating the idea of putting this blog on private. I get uncomfortable thinking about all the people that read this. I would really like to be specific and name all my problems and the people involved, like I used to, but now that people actually read my blog, it's weird.

I'm hungry again. But that's what I get for not sleeping on time! >:(

Blurb from interview with Scott Neustadter

Yes, I am still very much obsessed with 500 Days of Summer. This is an interview with one of the screenplay writers.

BTW JIMMY, 500 Days of Summer was not based on a book. LOL FAIL.

RF: Do you feel that obsessive-like tendencies and falling in love go hand in hand?
SN: It's funny. In movies, characters are always doing these big dramatic gestures to win the other person's love. And in real life, most of that shit would get you arrested. Lloyd Dobler, outside her house with the boom box, that's a restraining order waiting to happen. And yet it's romantic, isn't it? No one questions the intent. I think you're right that it would be perceived way differently in reality, especially if the person trying to sleep wants nothing to do with the guy blasting the music on her lawn. But we see him doing that and we recognize it in ourselves and we've been there, least I have.
As you get older I think (I hope), you can better recognize that the feelings accompanying the early stages of falling in love -- while amazing -- are histrionic and ephemeral. And maybe you can keep yourself in check a little more. But there's an argument against that which says why would you want to? You don't feel like that very often.
RF: In your opinion, what is falling in love the "immature" way and how does one know the difference?
SN: My feeling is you don't, certainly not while it's happening. (500) is based on an experience I had (twice, to be honest) in which I fell head over heels for someone I never really took the time to know. I liked how she looked, I liked that we had similar taste in things, and I liked how I felt when I was with her. Looking back, it was an extremely immature (but in its own way, pretty rational) way to feel. I can see that now, of course, but during the relationship, not a chance.
I think the sentiment is best articulated in the scene from the film where Summer is telling Tom about a dream. And while she's describing it, opening up to him in a way she never normally does, all he can think about is how it affects him. He's not even listening to her, really. That's for me a very telling moment which decodes the essence of this relationship and why it's doomed to fail. Real love, mutual love, mature love -- simply isn't so selfish.
RF: Do men recall the events of former relationships differently than women?
SN: Again, I'm not sure it's a gender thing. As we all know, there are two sides to every story (maybe even three). We decided from the outset that we were going to strictly tell Tom's version of these events. And we were going to tell them through the prism of memory which is not always the most reliable thing.
Making this choice both frees and restricts us in a number of important ways. First, there are gaps in the information. He can't tell us what he doesn't know. Second, the girl is idealized in a way that can't possibly be accurate. He's projecting his feelings onto her. Summer doesn't get to tell her side of the story which you just know would be entirely different.
Weber and I flirted with a scene in which Summer stops everything and demands to have her say. But this would have gone against the rules we set out for ourselves in the beginning. These are Tom's memories and we're in his head the whole time as he's sorting things out. 

article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-freed/i500-days-of-summeri-writ_b_256551.html

Naivety?!

About a year ago, there was a "like page" on facebook called, "Every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before." This page got SOO many likes, so I decided to bandwagon, and "liked" it myself. I didn't really feel the same way, but whatever.

Now, I can't agree more. I cannot fathom how the person I was at the start of 8th grade, was really ME. I lived like that. I thought like that. How is that possible? If I were to meet the Cindy from last year, now, I would think she is one of those 农村小妞。If you put that into Google Translator, it gives you "Rural chick". In Chinese, it usually refers to someone who is painfully innocent/ stupid/ silly.

Sigh. My mom is right again!

Another good day

It's funny how a few short hours can change your entire outlook.

I was feeling pretty shitty after school today. They were small things, but they built up inside of me and made me want to crawl in a hole/ scream, but more importantly, rant to someone.

Recently, my thoughts have been pretty influenced by something my friend Jarick said to me: What if people are only friends with you because they're using you? or something like that. That's true. I'm questioning everything I do now. Am I talking to so-and-so just because I need to rant? Do I really care about someone's grades, or do I just want to compare them to mine to make myself feel better? Am I selfish? Well, that I am. SIGH. I don't know. Maybe I just think too much, but this whole thing is starting to really bother me.

ANYWAY, I called Vivian first to tell her about how shitty the day was, but she was still in baseball, so she didn't answer. 3 times. Then I called Jimmy, and he didn't answer. I called Jarick 3rd, and we spoke for a minute or two, and then he had to leave or something. FML, but luckily Jimmy called me back almost immediately after Jarick and I hung up, and we talked for a long time. Vivian called me sometime while I was talking to Jimmy, so after Jimmy had to go, I called Vivian back. Vivian and Joy came to my house and I ranted to them some more. I FEEL SO GOOD AFTER RANTING. (: but like I was wondering before, is it selfish of me to talk to them for MY benefit, because I was feeling troubled?

After Vivian and Joy left, I got to finishing homework, and even did some extra math. Xiao Yu Ge (my cousin) left sometime while I was doing my homework (I think) and went to go get my mom, and they both went to some Dental thing. My dad is still in Vegas, so... I had to make my own dinner, and I'm still home alone. In between toasting left over bao zi, Erin called me, and we talked for about half an hour about random things. It was nice. I hadn't talked to her in a while, except for some "hello"s in the hallway, and such, and I was actually thinking about her today. <3

OH, so one of the things I was upset about today was the remembrance that I have nothing I'm particularly interested in, and that I am really scared about college/ what to write for my college apps/ what would make them want me. I know it's silly that I'm worrying about all that now, but remember that I don't have a lot of extracurricular activities that actually COUNT. Piano really doesn't. I quit skating. I quit violin. I quit Chinese zither. I'm not even in Wind Ensemble in band. I might quit Yearbook next year. I have NO leadership positions, and no experience with that at all, and I don't plan on doing anything related to Inner Council or ASB. Erin said she was thinking of running for class office, so, although I was/am really happy for her, I'm feeling a little worried about me. SEE WHAT I MEAN? Everything I'm saying is related to ME. Why can't I just be happy for her and stop comparing her decisions to myself? Ugh.

BUT while I was eating my little dinner, I started simultaneously reading books on Inkpop, and I'm reading a new one called Cover Me Again, and it's pretty good so far. Vivian and I decided to make chocolate truffles tomorrow after school so that we can bring it for people on Friday to celebrate Valentine's Day AKA SINGLE AWARENESS DAY. I don't understand why singles would want to make everyone aware that they are lonely, but okay...

I hate Valentine's Day, because I don't have a Valentine.): I hate how Sadies is coming up, and there have been askings already. I mean, I'm happy for them, and I think it's so cute, but I'M SELFISH AND LONELY HERE. Even if I DID want to go to Sadies, I don't have anyone to ask. Every friendship with every guy I know right now is at an awkward stage. WHY?! FML.

But my life is a lot better than 70% of the world. I just made up that statistic but I'm pretty sure it's true. I'm healthy, fit, have a house, have a bed, have a computer, have friends, have people who care about me, have good grades, have wonderful blog, etc. I really do appreciate my life.

SLEEEEEP YAAAAAAY!

OMG. WHAT A PRODUCTIVE DAY.

HI EVERYONE.

On this day, (February 8th, 2011) at this hour (20:18:34), Cindy has finished her homework.

Well, she only had math and Spanish, and it was an early release day, but still.
She took a nap (or attempted to, but only slept for 30 minutes).
She studied math. She made a study guide. She understands it. (Well, most of it.)

And she can go to sleep now.

BEST DAY EVER??! I think so!

HAPPY and selfishness?!

SO I'M IN AN EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD MOOD AND I'M REQUESTING THAT JARICK AND I OOVOO (webcam). and I just realized.

Oh. My God. Do I only like talking/paying attention to people when I'm in a good mood? (yes) Does that make me selfish? Is that not good? I can't really decide right now, but the thought just popped into my head: Maybe it's not fair that I only talk to him when I want to. WHY AM I SO SELFISH. BUT I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE MARGARET AND WOODY FROM MARGARET LOVES MR. DARCY JUST GOT TOGETHER! YAAAAY! Why do fictional characters make me so happy? -______- I NEEED A LIFE. WHY DO I BLOG SO MUCH. OMG.

fine weekend!

This weekend has been so great so far. Except for the part where I cried this morning because I didn't want to go to piano but that was because I was half-asleep, and forced out of bed. Anyway mama and Daddy have barely argued all day long, and they're going to a Chinese New Year party right now. Daddy came into my room earlier while I was reading books on Inkpop, and gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me I better make myself a good dinner, because they won't be back early. I said okay, and mama came in and asked to borrow stockings.

I'm reading an especially juicy book called Margaret Loves Mr. Darcy on Inkpop.com right now, while doing history homework. I've refound my love for reading. Unfortunately, this is another "dessert" book. I have to find myself a real book to read soon. Sigh.

feeling like fine dongg

(I know the post title makes no sense. Oh, and dongg = poop.) I wanted to blog since Tuesday but I wouldn't allow myself to, because I had so much homework and stuff to finish, and I knew I wanted to sleep as much as possible. Basically, I've been sick since Sunday with various symptoms each day. On Tuesday, especially, I didn't want to go to school, and had actually planned on leaving during lunch. Olivia texted and asked me to bring my clarinet for her to try on, and I did. As soon as I arrived, I somehow immediately felt better, surrounded by my friends. I stopped getting the shivers every five seconds, and actually had the energy to smile and act happy when I skipped to Olivia and handed her my clarinet. At that moment, I was thinking, "Oh! Life is grand!" I love school. Or rather, I love the people. I love my friends, and I'm so so so so grateful for them.

I then had Honor Band auditions last night, supposedly at 6PM. Isaac and David picked me up at 6 and we went to Gahr. Karen was there as well ^^. Being first chair in middle school band last year, I had really high hopes for myself this year. Except I messed up the first part that my audition man asked me to play. My excuse is that I didn't practice that part because it seemed so insignificant. We had 4 songs: Celtic Hymns and Dances, Olympic Spirit, Chorale and Shaker II, and March of the Belgian Parachutists. I was advised to look for 8th note runs, and hard parts in each piece and just practice those sections, focusing on tone quality, rhythm, and dynamics. When I was called to be auditioned, the person behind a circle of blankets (he's not allowed to see the person auditioning, so that there is no discrimination whatsoever) asked for me to play about 10 measures of Olympic Spirit, which wasn't even the melody part, so I screwed up the rhythm, and then a small section from Chorale and Shaker II (I think), and then thanked me. REALLY?! I actually practiced at home, AND waited a total of 3 hours at Gahr just to play ~20 measures of music? not to mention that the parts he chose were stupid. I'm not bitter because I screwed that part up, it's just that the part is SO EASY that it doesn't take much skill to learn it. I bet that if I practiced it once, I could have perfected it. He should have tested the fast parts or the melody, or some part that exhibits dynamic contrast, or anything that would have made sense.

ANYWAY, because I didn't start homework until around 10PM, I couldn't sleep until around 1 AM this morning, and thus didn't wake up in time for band. Band starts at 7 and I would have had to AT LEAST be up by 6:50, but I wasn't conscious until 7:05, when Daddy ran into my room. I mumbled that I'll just skip band today, and he agreed, so I immediately fell back to my slumber. I woke again at 7:40 and mama asked me why I wasn't under my blankets, when I had a cold.

In the morning, several people congratulated me and told me I made it into Honor Band. I didn't know results would come in so fast; I didn't even think about it this morning. No one knew what chair I got, so at the beginning of lunch, I made Lauren go with me to see. I was also afraid Mr. England would yell at me for ditching band again. I went in and he was talking to Ms. Kesinger in his office, so I thought I was safe to look at the list. I found my highlighted name on the 5th line. 5TH CHAIR. SIGH. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect, but I was still disappointed. Especially since my ex-boyfriend is going to be sitting in 4th chair. AWKWARD.................. Mr. England noticed me and said, "CINDY LI, COME HERE," to which I thought Crap. I sort of pretended not to hear him at first, but that's kind of hard when his voice is like 1000 mbps. or whatever sound is measured in. Anyway, I finally went in, and all he said was congratulations, etc. Phew. But I still complained to him, and I wailed, "But I'm FIIFTH CHAAAIR D:".

And you know what he said? No, you don't, since only him, Ms. Kesinger, and I were there. Anyway, he said, "Is that what this is all about? 'Cause you're not first chair?" Now, to be truthful, I still don't know what he meant by that. Shouldn't he want me to be first chair too? I don't get it....... He proceeded to tell me that I didn't have to practice Celtic Hymns and Dances anymore because the brass players can't play it; it's too difficult. Stupid people. I think I like that song.

After school, I went with Nisha to the band room to ask him something for Yearbook. I asked him if it was true that Honor Band is performing at California Adventure instead of Disneyland this year. He said yes, but he's unsure if we'll be allowed to choose which park we can play in. And by play, I mean riding roller coasters and eating churros, not playing instruments. I asked him if it were possible for me to not go to Disneyland/California Adventure and stay at school to go to Alg. II/Trig class instead. I could tell that he was thinking I was some sort of psycho for wanting to learn math instead of going to Disneyland for free, but he could also tell that I was serious. I think. So he said maybe we can work something out, and we'll see.

Frankly, Honor Band isn't a huge deal to me. I just wanted to prove to myself and to Mr. England that I'm still a good player. But now that I've done that, I don't want to sit next to my ex for 3 rehearsals, 2 hours each, AND miss math and biology for a day. I probably won't drop out of Honor Band, though, because I know Mr. England is concerned with his image and Whitney's image, etc etc, blah blah.

To bed I go, now. As you can tell, I am feeling quite chipper, but my insides are still asldfhaksdjfhaksdfh, and I am very congested nasally. I've skipped Korean Club talent show practice, and am feeling guilty as well. Tomorrow, Karen C and I are finally having our WEB semester activity with our kids. Yay! But I would honestly rather go home and sleep T_T.

OH AND I GOT NEW GLASSES. THE WORLD IS ABNORMALLY CLEAR NOW. O_O