It's funny how a few short hours can change your entire outlook.
I was feeling pretty shitty after school today. They were small things, but they built up inside of me and made me want to crawl in a hole/ scream, but more importantly, rant to someone.
Recently, my thoughts have been pretty influenced by something my friend Jarick said to me: What if people are only friends with you because they're using you? or something like that. That's true. I'm questioning everything I do now. Am I talking to so-and-so just because I need to rant? Do I really care about someone's grades, or do I just want to compare them to mine to make myself feel better? Am I selfish? Well, that I am. SIGH. I don't know. Maybe I just think too much, but this whole thing is starting to really bother me.
ANYWAY, I called Vivian first to tell her about how shitty the day was, but she was still in baseball, so she didn't answer. 3 times. Then I called Jimmy, and he didn't answer. I called Jarick 3rd, and we spoke for a minute or two, and then he had to leave or something. FML, but luckily Jimmy called me back almost immediately after Jarick and I hung up, and we talked for a long time. Vivian called me sometime while I was talking to Jimmy, so after Jimmy had to go, I called Vivian back. Vivian and Joy came to my house and I ranted to them some more. I FEEL SO GOOD AFTER RANTING. (: but like I was wondering before, is it selfish of me to talk to them for MY benefit, because I was feeling troubled?
After Vivian and Joy left, I got to finishing homework, and even did some extra math. Xiao Yu Ge (my cousin) left sometime while I was doing my homework (I think) and went to go get my mom, and they both went to some Dental thing. My dad is still in Vegas, so... I had to make my own dinner, and I'm still home alone. In between toasting left over bao zi, Erin called me, and we talked for about half an hour about random things. It was nice. I hadn't talked to her in a while, except for some "hello"s in the hallway, and such, and I was actually thinking about her today. <3
OH, so one of the things I was upset about today was the remembrance that I have nothing I'm particularly interested in, and that I am really scared about college/ what to write for my college apps/ what would make them want me. I know it's silly that I'm worrying about all that now, but remember that I don't have a lot of extracurricular activities that actually COUNT. Piano really doesn't. I quit skating. I quit violin. I quit Chinese zither. I'm not even in Wind Ensemble in band. I might quit Yearbook next year. I have NO leadership positions, and no experience with that at all, and I don't plan on doing anything related to Inner Council or ASB. Erin said she was thinking of running for class office, so, although I was/am really happy for her, I'm feeling a little worried about me. SEE WHAT I MEAN? Everything I'm saying is related to ME. Why can't I just be happy for her and stop comparing her decisions to myself? Ugh.
BUT while I was eating my little dinner, I started simultaneously reading books on Inkpop, and I'm reading a new one called Cover Me Again, and it's pretty good so far. Vivian and I decided to make chocolate truffles tomorrow after school so that we can bring it for people on Friday to celebrate Valentine's Day AKA SINGLE AWARENESS DAY. I don't understand why singles would want to make everyone aware that they are lonely, but okay...
I hate Valentine's Day, because I don't have a Valentine.): I hate how Sadies is coming up, and there have been askings already. I mean, I'm happy for them, and I think it's so cute, but I'M SELFISH AND LONELY HERE. Even if I DID want to go to Sadies, I don't have anyone to ask. Every friendship with every guy I know right now is at an awkward stage. WHY?! FML.
But my life is a lot better than 70% of the world. I just made up that statistic but I'm pretty sure it's true. I'm healthy, fit, have a house, have a bed, have a computer, have friends, have people who care about me, have good grades, have wonderful blog, etc. I really do appreciate my life.
SLEEEEEP YAAAAAAY!
2 comments:
>Am I talking to so-and-so just because I need to rant?
that's not using them, that's just having a friend.
> Do I really care about someone's grades, or do I just want to compare them to mine to make myself feel better?
that's normal too, you wanna know if you did ok by comparison.
>Maybe I just think too much, but this whole thing is starting to really bother me.
yep!!
p.s. I ate 7 creeps this morning.
You do worry a lot. What's wrong with being selfish? I don't think that it's possible for anyone to be totally selfless. That's all fairy-tale stuff.
And piano sounds like extra-curricular stuff to me. And if you really need the "official" air of a position, I can say with some degree of certainty that you can easily get a position in the chess club cabinet as long as you prove that you can do something, which is, believe it or not, something that half of the cabinet has yet to prove.
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