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Saturday, October 2, 2010


I realized that for a long time, I have been wanting something... something in life.

I always go to the kitchen pantry, look for something to snack on, but just can't seem to find anything, though there always is food.

I feel like I'm getting restless, like when I took drawing class, and felt uncomfortable because I had to sit for long periods of time. Maybe it's because I've been in the same house, same city, same place for the past decade. (God, I sound old) Or maybe it's just that there's nothing I'm especially looking forward to, for the near future, at least.

But walking up the stairway from my 5th visit to the pantry today, I came to the realization that perhaps I just want to know. I'm still scared of the future, and sometimes I think about dying. Not the emo, suicidal kind of dying, but how it might be to die.

A couple summers ago there was that big earthquake that scared the crap out of me, a week before the release of Breaking Dawn. I was so terrified of dying that I rarely stayed inside the house, and at night I slept on the air mattress  downstairs, lodging myself in between the back of the sofa and the wall, so that in case the ceiling comes down, I might be protected. Of course, these precautions weren't necessary. In contrast, the person I am today isn't scared of dying; however, I wouldn't want to kill myself. Personally, I would be a little sad to die before knowing whether or not I would grow up to be successful. What would make me sad is leaving behind my friends and family, whom I know have undying love and support for me, and I wouldn't want to inflict any pain on them. I know this sounds conceited, but: I'm sure I've affected many people in my lifetime, and they wouldn't want me to die. I'm not saying I am living solely for them, but it is encouraging to think that way.
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