Fun Day ^_^

So today is the 2nd Sunday since I returned from my Europe trip. Josh and I went to go pick up his cousin Patrick and Patrick's girlfriend Marissa from the airport at 11-ish. They go to school together in Shanghai but they're not fobs 'cause Patrick probably grew up here since he sounds exactly like us and Marissa is a white girl from South Carolina who lived in Shanghai for 4 years. :D so cooooool.

So we picked them up and went to go eat In-N-Out in Westwood by UCLA. We proceeded to head on home and decided to pay a visit to Patrick's grandma, who's in the hospital right now for something really minor. Only two visitors are allowed in a patient's room at a time, so Patrick and Marissa went in first and then Josh and I went for a quick "hello". I realized while I was there that it was the 2nd time I had ever, in my life, talked to an elderly person.

Of course I've had grandparents; it is quite difficult to come to existence without them. However, I've only met my paternal grandparents, who were only here to witness my birth, and then they flew back to China. My maternal grandparents never saw me. I have only scarce memories of my parents mentioning their parents. When I was a child (2-4 years of age), while we were still living in my previous house, I was on my daddy's lap one night before bed, when I asked him where his mom was. He plain out told me that she died a couple years ago. Another scarring recollection was from when I was about 5 years old. I was cleaning my closet in my own room when, suddenly, a whole mess of clothes fell from the top shelf. Being too lazy to clean it up myself, I ran to my parent's room to complain to them. I started tearing up to manipulate my daddy's sympathy so that he would clean it for me. Instead of his compassionate answers, what I received were the sounds of my mother's wailing cries. It was a heart-wrenching, terrible sound; one that I had never heard before. She was bawling her eyes out and I had no idea what had happened to her. I asked my dad, who was desperately trying to soothe her anxiety, and he quietly told me that her mommy left the earth.  I didn't mention the state of my closet to them.

OKAY ANYWAYS,  we dropped off Patrick and Marissa at Patrick's grandma's house after that since they wanted to clean themselves after a long flight. Josh and I decided to go to the Brea Mall because I needed to spend my Borders gift cards 'cause they're closing down. We got there and looked around and realized the Borders was across the street, at the Brea Shopping Center, which apparently, is not the same as the mall. Who knew?! But there was an Apple store at the mall, so we took a few Photobooth pictures. ^_^

The line at Borders was ridiculously long and I was only able to find one of the books I need for AP Human Geography, but it's okay because I have friends who have the other book(s). ^_^ Aren't friends wonderful? I ended up not even spending all of my Borders gift card money. I have about $10.66 left, so I am willing to sell it to someone for $10! :D

After that, I did not feel like going back home, though I was falling asleep from the food coma that my double-double was causing me. Josh and I went to the Artesia park and slept on the grass for a while and talked in the car. It was 6:30-ish when we checked the time again, so we decided to head back home soon. We stopped at Quickly Boba 'cause I felt like drinking some $1.08 Tapioca Milk Tea. ($0.99 without tax) He dropped me off at home and I practiced some piano and my parents argued and I didn't eat dinner because of the boba.

I realized I was supposed to drop off Megan's bicycle basket at her house today, so Daddy and I decided to walk to her house. We did, and we had lovely conversations, like we always do. When we came back, my parents were done being mad at each other, so I fixed myself some peaches and yogurt and sat down on the couch to chat with my mother, who I have not had a civilized conversation with in a while. My dad came down to us as well and sat next to Mama on the sofa and the three of us had a nice talk. It just felt normal for once, and I'm still ecstatic and I feel like the happiest child on Earth. I love my parents.

Good night! I didn't accomplish all my academic goals for the day, but tomorrow morning, I will! Then, Megan, Olivia, and I are going to have a picnic at Cerritos Park East, where Megan and I will also teach dear Oliver how to bike! :D Then maybe we will go to the Sheraton Hotel to inquire about internships and then we shall make scrapbooks of our memories while simultaneously watching Harry Potter movies. I need to watch HP 2, 3, 4, 5, and 7 before we go to the theaters on Tuesday to watch 7.5. Sigh.

I am one happy Cindy ahora. ^_^


11:05 PM- (about 10 minutes later)

My parents just said they were getting divorced again. (They just said it again, not they're getting divorced again.) Sigh.

talent

Oh, how I wish I were as talented as some of the people I know!




WHY IS SHE SO CUTE?!

4.0

hmm

i wish i had something i was really passionate about, something i would always enjoy doing, something that would be my mini- escape from the stresses of life.  unfortunately, i have no such hobby or interest that is like this to me. i thought i could rely on my friends and family for this, but people are too unstable, no matter how close the bonds. i miss skating, but i have to admit that skating did not always provide these things for me. the rink was often a battlefield of internal conflicts, and i think it added more weight on my shoulders. nonetheless, i still hope to skate again some day ^_^ maybe i'll go more often during the summer! except i have no skates...

piano frustrates me because it seems like i can't get things down like i used to, and i can't just wing things and rely on talent to earn me a compliment from my teacher. the songs are more difficult now, and my teacher is much stricter. sigh.

i'm terribly jealous of my friends who all have something they look forward to doing every weekend or whenever they get to do it. passion and dedication are definitely qualities i lack. =/

i'm excited to go to scotland tomorrow. yay, in 24 hours i will be on the plane :D all by myself................ i'm scared, yes, but 'twill be quite an adventure.

suuuuummmmmeeeeeerrrrrrrr

going on

hello. it's been a while. yes, yes it has. things get complicated but it's okay, as long as i'm still happy, you're still happy, then it's allllllll gooooood. ^_^

Phone calls

Heheheh I love it when people call me just because they want to talk. It feels so nice knowing that I'M the person they want to talk to, and there are no alternative motives involved. I just had a sudden realization that this reminds me of 6th grade................ John Shin LOL. HI JOHN IF YOU'RE READING THIS, REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO TALK ON THE PHONE EVERY SINGLE DAY? HAHAHAH. Anyway, me gustan pleasant conversations! (:

On a heavier note, I am studying for math right now and I do not remember anything from Series and Sequences. Sigh. Recursive and explicit formulas for arithmetic and geometric sequences, why must you taunt me so!

I feel the heat!

WHAT TIME IS IT? (ALMOST) SUMMER TIME! <3


I LOVE THE HEAT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT YAAAAAAY! TODAY WAS A FAIRY TALE. (i don't like taylor swift anymore though. she's actually starting to irritate me, but 'twas a fantabulous day nonetheless!)

I LIKE THE BEACH. I LIKE THE PIER. I LIKE STROLLING. I LIKE CAR-ING. I LIKE EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN HERHERHERHER. I like being happy!

Disappearance

I realize that I've disappeared from Blogger for a while. (I haven't posted in thatswhatcindysaid.blogspot.com in almost a month!) I have to say though, I've been quite distracted.... (:

I'm really happy now, though. The problem is that I'll have big consequences. But I'm happy right now, so all is well!

I have the sinking feeling that I might not do so well on my Piano CM test this coming Saturday, but I'm in such an optimistic mood right now that I'm completely calm. I'm loving this feeling. (: (: (:

I'm also still doing my tumblr challenge as well! YAAAAAAAY!

Oh yeah I'm 15 now. I turned on Saturday. My parents still haven't said "Happy birthday" to me yet, but it's okay. I know they love me, regardless of their words. Or lack of words. See my brief and vague schedule of my birthday here: http://iwufcindy.tumblr.com/post/3985813449/day-5-the-most-amazing-thing-that-ever-happened-to-you

It never leaves

I was/am stalking people's tumblrs right now, and it never fails to surprise me how similar I am to these strangers. I was reading posts and looking at what they reblogged when I randomly started to cry. And I can't explain it. I haven't cried in a long time, because my life has been so good to me lately, but good things don't last long. I'm scared to commit myself to things because I realized that I just end up getting hurt when I care too much. In 6th grade, I really thought I would become a Figure Skating World Champion. I wanted it really bad, but things happened, and I only have myself to blame.

QUICK PAUSE. I don't know which webpage it's coming from (since I have a million tabs open right now), but someone's playlist is playing right now and I love it! There's Spanish music that my sister used to play, and songs that were just recently introduced to me that I like too. However, like I mentioned in one of my posts, I don't like  listening to good music because it ends up making me sad, for some reason. WHY IS EVERYTHING MAKING ME SAD?!

I'm just a sad person... poo. ): Leave me alone, sadness!

ANYWAY, back to the tumblr posts:
there was another tumblr challenge that I encountered. I think I'm going to try that one instead. heheheh

Confused

I'm extraordinarily frustrated right now. There are so many things I need to let out and Vivian is at Catalina Island. siiiiigh.

I'm disappointed in myself/ mad at the world/ jealous of people/ guilty for being jealous/ upset that I'm not capable of doing anything.

Obsessions

Being the exorbitantly obsessive person that I am for almost 15 years, I think that I have found the true and only way to letting an obsession die away.

The only way to end one obsession is to start another.

Now, that may sound a little scary and weird, but I think it's true.

Oh my gosh

This is getting out of hand. It's 3:37 AM. 'nough said.

On a happier note, California Adventure on Monday with Honor Band! Yaaaaaaay!

Questions

It's 11:23 PM on a school night, with school the next morning, and I admit that, I, Cindy Li, am not asleep. Obviously.

My excuses are weak, so I won't even try.

BUT I'M JUST SO FRUSTRATED AT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I try to pretend everything's okay and I laugh it off, and when I do so, sometimes I actually believe that all these problems are funny. Somehow, though, once I am by myself and have no one to laugh with, these subjects dawn on me and I realize how much they bother me.

GRR. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

UGH I'M SORRY, READER, THAT THIS PROBABLY MAKES NO SENSE, AND YOU'RE THINKING, "What problems could a little freshman possibly have??"

The only thing positive I can say right now is that I've finally gotten some "action" and "drama" in my life. Be careful what you wish for.

Oh, and I am still sick. I probably would have been better by now if I had slept like I was supposed to, over the weekend and past few days.

I'm really contemplating the idea of putting this blog on private. I get uncomfortable thinking about all the people that read this. I would really like to be specific and name all my problems and the people involved, like I used to, but now that people actually read my blog, it's weird.

I'm hungry again. But that's what I get for not sleeping on time! >:(

Blurb from interview with Scott Neustadter

Yes, I am still very much obsessed with 500 Days of Summer. This is an interview with one of the screenplay writers.

BTW JIMMY, 500 Days of Summer was not based on a book. LOL FAIL.

RF: Do you feel that obsessive-like tendencies and falling in love go hand in hand?
SN: It's funny. In movies, characters are always doing these big dramatic gestures to win the other person's love. And in real life, most of that shit would get you arrested. Lloyd Dobler, outside her house with the boom box, that's a restraining order waiting to happen. And yet it's romantic, isn't it? No one questions the intent. I think you're right that it would be perceived way differently in reality, especially if the person trying to sleep wants nothing to do with the guy blasting the music on her lawn. But we see him doing that and we recognize it in ourselves and we've been there, least I have.
As you get older I think (I hope), you can better recognize that the feelings accompanying the early stages of falling in love -- while amazing -- are histrionic and ephemeral. And maybe you can keep yourself in check a little more. But there's an argument against that which says why would you want to? You don't feel like that very often.
RF: In your opinion, what is falling in love the "immature" way and how does one know the difference?
SN: My feeling is you don't, certainly not while it's happening. (500) is based on an experience I had (twice, to be honest) in which I fell head over heels for someone I never really took the time to know. I liked how she looked, I liked that we had similar taste in things, and I liked how I felt when I was with her. Looking back, it was an extremely immature (but in its own way, pretty rational) way to feel. I can see that now, of course, but during the relationship, not a chance.
I think the sentiment is best articulated in the scene from the film where Summer is telling Tom about a dream. And while she's describing it, opening up to him in a way she never normally does, all he can think about is how it affects him. He's not even listening to her, really. That's for me a very telling moment which decodes the essence of this relationship and why it's doomed to fail. Real love, mutual love, mature love -- simply isn't so selfish.
RF: Do men recall the events of former relationships differently than women?
SN: Again, I'm not sure it's a gender thing. As we all know, there are two sides to every story (maybe even three). We decided from the outset that we were going to strictly tell Tom's version of these events. And we were going to tell them through the prism of memory which is not always the most reliable thing.
Making this choice both frees and restricts us in a number of important ways. First, there are gaps in the information. He can't tell us what he doesn't know. Second, the girl is idealized in a way that can't possibly be accurate. He's projecting his feelings onto her. Summer doesn't get to tell her side of the story which you just know would be entirely different.
Weber and I flirted with a scene in which Summer stops everything and demands to have her say. But this would have gone against the rules we set out for ourselves in the beginning. These are Tom's memories and we're in his head the whole time as he's sorting things out. 

article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-freed/i500-days-of-summeri-writ_b_256551.html

Naivety?!

About a year ago, there was a "like page" on facebook called, "Every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before." This page got SOO many likes, so I decided to bandwagon, and "liked" it myself. I didn't really feel the same way, but whatever.

Now, I can't agree more. I cannot fathom how the person I was at the start of 8th grade, was really ME. I lived like that. I thought like that. How is that possible? If I were to meet the Cindy from last year, now, I would think she is one of those 农村小妞。If you put that into Google Translator, it gives you "Rural chick". In Chinese, it usually refers to someone who is painfully innocent/ stupid/ silly.

Sigh. My mom is right again!

Another good day

It's funny how a few short hours can change your entire outlook.

I was feeling pretty shitty after school today. They were small things, but they built up inside of me and made me want to crawl in a hole/ scream, but more importantly, rant to someone.

Recently, my thoughts have been pretty influenced by something my friend Jarick said to me: What if people are only friends with you because they're using you? or something like that. That's true. I'm questioning everything I do now. Am I talking to so-and-so just because I need to rant? Do I really care about someone's grades, or do I just want to compare them to mine to make myself feel better? Am I selfish? Well, that I am. SIGH. I don't know. Maybe I just think too much, but this whole thing is starting to really bother me.

ANYWAY, I called Vivian first to tell her about how shitty the day was, but she was still in baseball, so she didn't answer. 3 times. Then I called Jimmy, and he didn't answer. I called Jarick 3rd, and we spoke for a minute or two, and then he had to leave or something. FML, but luckily Jimmy called me back almost immediately after Jarick and I hung up, and we talked for a long time. Vivian called me sometime while I was talking to Jimmy, so after Jimmy had to go, I called Vivian back. Vivian and Joy came to my house and I ranted to them some more. I FEEL SO GOOD AFTER RANTING. (: but like I was wondering before, is it selfish of me to talk to them for MY benefit, because I was feeling troubled?

After Vivian and Joy left, I got to finishing homework, and even did some extra math. Xiao Yu Ge (my cousin) left sometime while I was doing my homework (I think) and went to go get my mom, and they both went to some Dental thing. My dad is still in Vegas, so... I had to make my own dinner, and I'm still home alone. In between toasting left over bao zi, Erin called me, and we talked for about half an hour about random things. It was nice. I hadn't talked to her in a while, except for some "hello"s in the hallway, and such, and I was actually thinking about her today. <3

OH, so one of the things I was upset about today was the remembrance that I have nothing I'm particularly interested in, and that I am really scared about college/ what to write for my college apps/ what would make them want me. I know it's silly that I'm worrying about all that now, but remember that I don't have a lot of extracurricular activities that actually COUNT. Piano really doesn't. I quit skating. I quit violin. I quit Chinese zither. I'm not even in Wind Ensemble in band. I might quit Yearbook next year. I have NO leadership positions, and no experience with that at all, and I don't plan on doing anything related to Inner Council or ASB. Erin said she was thinking of running for class office, so, although I was/am really happy for her, I'm feeling a little worried about me. SEE WHAT I MEAN? Everything I'm saying is related to ME. Why can't I just be happy for her and stop comparing her decisions to myself? Ugh.

BUT while I was eating my little dinner, I started simultaneously reading books on Inkpop, and I'm reading a new one called Cover Me Again, and it's pretty good so far. Vivian and I decided to make chocolate truffles tomorrow after school so that we can bring it for people on Friday to celebrate Valentine's Day AKA SINGLE AWARENESS DAY. I don't understand why singles would want to make everyone aware that they are lonely, but okay...

I hate Valentine's Day, because I don't have a Valentine.): I hate how Sadies is coming up, and there have been askings already. I mean, I'm happy for them, and I think it's so cute, but I'M SELFISH AND LONELY HERE. Even if I DID want to go to Sadies, I don't have anyone to ask. Every friendship with every guy I know right now is at an awkward stage. WHY?! FML.

But my life is a lot better than 70% of the world. I just made up that statistic but I'm pretty sure it's true. I'm healthy, fit, have a house, have a bed, have a computer, have friends, have people who care about me, have good grades, have wonderful blog, etc. I really do appreciate my life.

SLEEEEEP YAAAAAAY!

OMG. WHAT A PRODUCTIVE DAY.

HI EVERYONE.

On this day, (February 8th, 2011) at this hour (20:18:34), Cindy has finished her homework.

Well, she only had math and Spanish, and it was an early release day, but still.
She took a nap (or attempted to, but only slept for 30 minutes).
She studied math. She made a study guide. She understands it. (Well, most of it.)

And she can go to sleep now.

BEST DAY EVER??! I think so!

HAPPY and selfishness?!

SO I'M IN AN EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD MOOD AND I'M REQUESTING THAT JARICK AND I OOVOO (webcam). and I just realized.

Oh. My God. Do I only like talking/paying attention to people when I'm in a good mood? (yes) Does that make me selfish? Is that not good? I can't really decide right now, but the thought just popped into my head: Maybe it's not fair that I only talk to him when I want to. WHY AM I SO SELFISH. BUT I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE MARGARET AND WOODY FROM MARGARET LOVES MR. DARCY JUST GOT TOGETHER! YAAAAY! Why do fictional characters make me so happy? -______- I NEEED A LIFE. WHY DO I BLOG SO MUCH. OMG.

fine weekend!

This weekend has been so great so far. Except for the part where I cried this morning because I didn't want to go to piano but that was because I was half-asleep, and forced out of bed. Anyway mama and Daddy have barely argued all day long, and they're going to a Chinese New Year party right now. Daddy came into my room earlier while I was reading books on Inkpop, and gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me I better make myself a good dinner, because they won't be back early. I said okay, and mama came in and asked to borrow stockings.

I'm reading an especially juicy book called Margaret Loves Mr. Darcy on Inkpop.com right now, while doing history homework. I've refound my love for reading. Unfortunately, this is another "dessert" book. I have to find myself a real book to read soon. Sigh.

feeling like fine dongg

(I know the post title makes no sense. Oh, and dongg = poop.) I wanted to blog since Tuesday but I wouldn't allow myself to, because I had so much homework and stuff to finish, and I knew I wanted to sleep as much as possible. Basically, I've been sick since Sunday with various symptoms each day. On Tuesday, especially, I didn't want to go to school, and had actually planned on leaving during lunch. Olivia texted and asked me to bring my clarinet for her to try on, and I did. As soon as I arrived, I somehow immediately felt better, surrounded by my friends. I stopped getting the shivers every five seconds, and actually had the energy to smile and act happy when I skipped to Olivia and handed her my clarinet. At that moment, I was thinking, "Oh! Life is grand!" I love school. Or rather, I love the people. I love my friends, and I'm so so so so grateful for them.

I then had Honor Band auditions last night, supposedly at 6PM. Isaac and David picked me up at 6 and we went to Gahr. Karen was there as well ^^. Being first chair in middle school band last year, I had really high hopes for myself this year. Except I messed up the first part that my audition man asked me to play. My excuse is that I didn't practice that part because it seemed so insignificant. We had 4 songs: Celtic Hymns and Dances, Olympic Spirit, Chorale and Shaker II, and March of the Belgian Parachutists. I was advised to look for 8th note runs, and hard parts in each piece and just practice those sections, focusing on tone quality, rhythm, and dynamics. When I was called to be auditioned, the person behind a circle of blankets (he's not allowed to see the person auditioning, so that there is no discrimination whatsoever) asked for me to play about 10 measures of Olympic Spirit, which wasn't even the melody part, so I screwed up the rhythm, and then a small section from Chorale and Shaker II (I think), and then thanked me. REALLY?! I actually practiced at home, AND waited a total of 3 hours at Gahr just to play ~20 measures of music? not to mention that the parts he chose were stupid. I'm not bitter because I screwed that part up, it's just that the part is SO EASY that it doesn't take much skill to learn it. I bet that if I practiced it once, I could have perfected it. He should have tested the fast parts or the melody, or some part that exhibits dynamic contrast, or anything that would have made sense.

ANYWAY, because I didn't start homework until around 10PM, I couldn't sleep until around 1 AM this morning, and thus didn't wake up in time for band. Band starts at 7 and I would have had to AT LEAST be up by 6:50, but I wasn't conscious until 7:05, when Daddy ran into my room. I mumbled that I'll just skip band today, and he agreed, so I immediately fell back to my slumber. I woke again at 7:40 and mama asked me why I wasn't under my blankets, when I had a cold.

In the morning, several people congratulated me and told me I made it into Honor Band. I didn't know results would come in so fast; I didn't even think about it this morning. No one knew what chair I got, so at the beginning of lunch, I made Lauren go with me to see. I was also afraid Mr. England would yell at me for ditching band again. I went in and he was talking to Ms. Kesinger in his office, so I thought I was safe to look at the list. I found my highlighted name on the 5th line. 5TH CHAIR. SIGH. To be honest, I didn't know what to expect, but I was still disappointed. Especially since my ex-boyfriend is going to be sitting in 4th chair. AWKWARD.................. Mr. England noticed me and said, "CINDY LI, COME HERE," to which I thought Crap. I sort of pretended not to hear him at first, but that's kind of hard when his voice is like 1000 mbps. or whatever sound is measured in. Anyway, I finally went in, and all he said was congratulations, etc. Phew. But I still complained to him, and I wailed, "But I'm FIIFTH CHAAAIR D:".

And you know what he said? No, you don't, since only him, Ms. Kesinger, and I were there. Anyway, he said, "Is that what this is all about? 'Cause you're not first chair?" Now, to be truthful, I still don't know what he meant by that. Shouldn't he want me to be first chair too? I don't get it....... He proceeded to tell me that I didn't have to practice Celtic Hymns and Dances anymore because the brass players can't play it; it's too difficult. Stupid people. I think I like that song.

After school, I went with Nisha to the band room to ask him something for Yearbook. I asked him if it was true that Honor Band is performing at California Adventure instead of Disneyland this year. He said yes, but he's unsure if we'll be allowed to choose which park we can play in. And by play, I mean riding roller coasters and eating churros, not playing instruments. I asked him if it were possible for me to not go to Disneyland/California Adventure and stay at school to go to Alg. II/Trig class instead. I could tell that he was thinking I was some sort of psycho for wanting to learn math instead of going to Disneyland for free, but he could also tell that I was serious. I think. So he said maybe we can work something out, and we'll see.

Frankly, Honor Band isn't a huge deal to me. I just wanted to prove to myself and to Mr. England that I'm still a good player. But now that I've done that, I don't want to sit next to my ex for 3 rehearsals, 2 hours each, AND miss math and biology for a day. I probably won't drop out of Honor Band, though, because I know Mr. England is concerned with his image and Whitney's image, etc etc, blah blah.

To bed I go, now. As you can tell, I am feeling quite chipper, but my insides are still asldfhaksdjfhaksdfh, and I am very congested nasally. I've skipped Korean Club talent show practice, and am feeling guilty as well. Tomorrow, Karen C and I are finally having our WEB semester activity with our kids. Yay! But I would honestly rather go home and sleep T_T.

OH AND I GOT NEW GLASSES. THE WORLD IS ABNORMALLY CLEAR NOW. O_O

Honesty

Sometimes this is not a good thing. I had to write about this for my PRA essay portion, and I sucked at it.

Anyway, along with having no secrets, I decided to become blatantly honest with myself and with people around me. It's only been Day 1, and so far tensions have arose. Sigh. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Nostalgia and Lack of Love

Have I ranted on this subject before? I feel like I have, but I can't be sure, and I' too lazy to check. Either way, I would like to rant/rant further.

I hate it when people don't feel the same way as I do at the same time. I know it sounds ridiculous to even ask that sort of thing of someone, but it makes me so sad when I'm not on the same page as someone, emotionally. (When do I ever NOT talk about emotional things?? haha) For example, I visit the Facebook page of an old friend's. I look through our past photos, conversations, and reminisce about our old memories. I leave a post on their wall saying, "HI, I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU, WE SHOULD HANG OUT!" they reply the next day with a, "HEEY CINDY. OKAY <3" Now that sounds all fine and dandy, but how do I know they didn't just type that in a quarter of a second, and then forgot about me and carried on with life, without thinking how much I really missed them? Sometimes it's the other way around, and I don't realize what I've done until I'm all lonely/got it done to me. It sucks how we're not all telepathic. I'm just super nostalgic all the time.

I hate love songs, especially good ones. I know that THAT really sounds ridiculous, because why would anyone like bad love songs? Well, bad songs don't make me feel anything. They're just there for me to hum while changing, and to sing at the top of my lungs while biking. There are no feelings or emotions involved, and I forget about them in half a year, and move on to the other crappy songs. What drives me crazy though, is when there's a song that I really like. Now, there are two possibilities that can come out of my great like for a song-
1) I listen to it so much that I get sick of it and want to puke at the sound of it. (I've talked about this in an earlier post); and
2) It makes me want to cry/puke/do both the first time I hear it, especially in love songs.

The first possibility means that the song is nice, but not extremely good, since I can still stand to hear it 100 times before I can't stand it. I still want to hum and sing it for the time being, which, by transitive property, means that it has some crappy qualities about it. But like I said, still nice. The latter possibility only applies to songs that are amazing. They're so good that I can't listen to it anymore or else I will seriously cry/puke/do both. The reason why this occurs in good love songs a lot is because:
1) Most songs are about love; and
2) I hate love songs
Maybe I'm just pessimistic because romantic love is not a subject I'm too comfortable with. It would take another blog post to explain all of that, but basically, I don't think I'll ever find love like that. I'm much too judgmental, selfish, and unrealistic. Quick blurb:

2:48 AM x: So how long did that relationship last?

 me: approximately 2 weeks

 ex: -.-

  That's not a full relationship then!

  You can't let yourself say

  I don't want another relationship

  Just from that D:

 me: i knowwww

  but still

  i just can' imagine myself

  ever getting married

  or actually loving someone

2:49 AM i don't even think i liked him at all!

 x: That's why I don't look at

  Looks first

I'll talk about this more later. I've got finals to study for. Waaahhh I wish I could just blog all day long.

Missing You, 500 Days of Summer, Ramblings

CAUTION WARNING AHHH: The following blog post contains numerous amounts of sentences that will make absolutely NO sense to the reader. Read at your own risk.

Hi.
sooooo
I realized that this blog started out as me talking about things that happened in my day- those big events. Now, it has evolved into me NOT talking about the big things, but more about everything in between. Maybe I should rename this blog... Whatever.

SO I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am missing a lot of people in my life right now. Lately I've been trying to avoid naming names, but I'm not feeling secretive today. By missing people, I mean I miss them emotionally, rather than physically, because some people, I see at school everyday and we're just not like how we used to be... I ask why, and all that comes to mind is "...what always happens: life." (anyone recognize that quote from 500 Days of Summer?! :D )

Like I was saying, I've been missing people more than ever. Friends who are labeled as close to me, barely talk to me anymore. But that brings me to another point- maybe it's the "labeling" that is making things awkward. For example, Jimmy and I said we were each other's BFFLs, that we would stay best friends for life (LOL). And even though we talk to each other almost everyday on Gmail chat, it doesn't feel real. There's like this barrier of awkwardness between us that I can't get passed. I subconsciously thought that putting another label on our relationship would help, (hence us agreeing to marry at 40 if we're both single) but it really doesn't. I'm starting to think that maybe if we hadn't labeled ourselves last year, this wouldn't be happening. Sure, we would still be drifting apart, but at least there wouldn't be the awkward "we're supposed to be best friends" thought in the back of my head. SIGHH HI JIMMY. YOU'RE PROBABLY READING THIS. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE ANYWAYS.

Aside from that, I've made up my mind to not have secrets anymore. I think I am a changed person, since the start of the school year. After watching 500 Days of Summer (yes, I am still a little obsessed...), I have a slightly different outlook on life. I am going to be one of those "open book" people. Ask me anything, and I'll respond with my utmost honesty. Seriously. I feel so free, I feel like I have nothing to hide at all. But that's probably also because I don't "like" anyone anymore... T_T That's probably how it's going to be for the rest of my life, though. Sorry if the last few sentences didn't make any sense. It makes sense in my head.

I'm just rambling now, but hey, that's the point of blogs, right? I'm going to go a little further into discussing my love life situation, or my lack of one. Whenever I think I am "in like" with a person, I tend to become extremely awkward- more so than usual. I don't act like myself, and I become vulnerable to everything that they do or say.
Scenario 1: I call said person, and he doesn't pick up. 3 times. I become sad. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Girl, that's just sad.
Scenario 2: We're talking on AIM, and it's getting late. I think to myself, Cindy, this is what life is. These are the things you're going to remember. If you go to sleep, you won't be making memories you could have made. Sleep is a waste of time. SEE THE VULNERABILITY? Said person can make me not sleep- something that I, as a weak immune-ed person, desperately need.
Scenario 3: I take 30 minutes getting dressed in the morning. Enough said.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that whenever there is a special someone in my life, I lose control of the things I do, and that's not good. Since, from now on, I'm going to be blatantly honest, I HAVE been talking to someone late at night, but I'm not going to go down that same road again. It's really not worth it. I'm sleepy.

what i do when i'm sad ):

hello, I am so mad right now, it makes me cry. Why do I cry when I am mad? because I don't know what else to do. There are really a limited amount of things a non-psychotic person can do when they are so angry. I just had a brief phone call with my piano teacher. I've been going to this woman since the second week of November, and have hated every hour at her house, very thoroughly. I hate her condescending voice. I hate the way she looks at my imperfect hand posture. I hate how she hangs up on me when SHE'S the one who calls to change our lesson schedule. I hate her exasperated tone. I hate how she made me wait OUTSIDE IN THE COLD, AT 8:30 PM (mind you, it was really dark since it's winter) for my mother. I hate her chicken-butt hair. I hate how she seems to love all her other students but me. I hate how she's so damn expensive, too.

But today I'm not going to complain about my life so much. I've found that when I'm mad/sad, cleaning really helps take my mind off things. What?! Cleaning?? but you're Cindy! you're a whale/lazy butt/person who despises cleaning! Yes, yes I am all that, but it just helps. And it's nice because I get something good out of it: an approachable room.

Volunteering and Summer

Sometimes I can't stand my dad. I was reading the Connection Center newsletter that our school sends out every week, and finally, FINALLY I saw an opportunity to volunteer at the Aquarium of the Pacific for teens 14-16. Last year, volunteens had to be 15, so I jumped at the number. I clicked the link to the site, and it was, in fact 14-16. The Spring application is due January 14th (I think), and the session starts March 5th. There's a summer one, too. I asked my dad if he thought that I would be able to have enough time during the spring to do it, and he said no. Well, I thought so anyway, since Spring is always the busiest time of the year for me. So I said, "Oh well, I'll just stick to summer, then," but he started going on and on about how I wouldn't have time. "Don't you want to do other things with your life? Education should come first. If you don't have your academics done, you can't do anything. Do you really have that much time to waste? If you finish your math and science, then you can do lots of things. But if you do that, then your education will be bad and everything else will be bad too." That doesn't even make any sense, but I can't volunteer anymore.

And it sucks because I don't even know if I really want to volunteer there. Or rather, if it will be any form of exciting, since my last summer volunteering experience at the Cerritos Library was so terrible. I guess I'm a little scared. What if I go through the whole application/essay/letters of rec/interview process and find out that it really IS a huge waste of time. After all summer volunteering sessions are 2 days a week, 5 hours each day. Transportation would take a while, too. What if I end up standing around, looking at the same fish everyday? On the other hand, I could be having the time of my life, learning about sea creatures and possibly finding out what I want to become when I'm older, as well as learning more communication skills and such (because as a Volunteen, I would be teaching the guests about whatever animals I am assigned too).

I do have quite a few things I want to get done this summer though. Although it's still half a year away, I know I have to:

• take Health class
• learn more Spanish. That may mean working at Mama's office. ugh.
• possibly go to China for business stuff. ugh. I hate China. but I want to go see exactly how the factories will produce my stuff.
• more math.

I know I shouldn't have too many expectations, because as I should know by now, things tend to crash and burn when too much goes on. I'll keep it at that for now, and we'll see where that takes me. But for now, I guess no volunteering at aquariums for me. ):

To Joy Part 2

Okay here it is:

It should look like this, but be very sure that it's the WATERPROOF version!

1. Maybelline Full 'n' Soft WATERPROOF Mascara- should be around $5.94

 YUP THAT'S IT.

HEHEHEH <3

Looking like shit......zu

My yearbook teacher (who is my favorite teacher in the world) one day told me about a female student of hers who attends an all-girls school. That student said that she loves her school so much because all the girls are so relaxed and 'chill' without any boys. No one wears makeup, or feels the need to fix their hair every morning, and most girls just go to school in pajamas or sweats everyday. I didn't really understood. While my teacher was telling me about that I sort of thought, "Even if I went to an all-girls school, I would still do everything I do in the morning and make myself look all nice. It must be terrible to go to school where everyone looks like a slug."

But I just curled my hair using rollers after I took a shower, and my hair is very pretty right now. I finished spraying my hair with super hard hold hairspray, hoping that it'll last until the morning. (Which I really doubt, but it's worth a shot!) As I chat (or actually stop chatting) with Jimmy, I am kind of realizing that I'm not all that excited about dressing up for school anymore. I'm actually just, overall, not excited to go to school. I really don't mind wearing my hobo windbreaker jacket and a potato-sack shirt. Why? Because there are no boys in my life that matter enough for me to want to make a huge effort. I admit that last year, there were quite a few. Maybe I'm looking too deep into this, but I'm starting to think that the whole reason why girls dress nicely (or try to) is to "impress" some guy at school. Lucky guys.

Meh.