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Friday, June 4, 2010

Pursuit of Happiness

I've heard people complain about the pursuit of happiness. How they're never satisfied with what they have, and will always be chasing something more. I've read it countless times, but could not empathize back then... Some time this year, I guess I've started to understand, but forgot about this whole pursuit of happiness until last night, or actually, this morning, when I was taking a cold shower at 12:15 AM. I am pursuing. I guess if you have been following my blog posts, you know that I haven't been really happy for a while. I dread time passing, and my days are marked with memorable events that will never reoccur. Life doesn't have a rewind button, and you can't do anything over. I think I've just started to understand that. I've known it all along, I just never thought into it. But now reality is catching up with me and I feel like it's weighing me down.

I guess I'm really tired. To be honest, I'd rather know about everything coming. I don't want to pursue. I hate running the mile.

14 days before school ends.
10 school days before school ends.
7 FULL school days before school ends.
19 days until summer really begins for me.

Fridays are always depressing for me. Not only is it because of violin, because I'm finally skipping this week, but it means the end of the week. My life used to be calculated in days passing by, but now it's more like weeks or sometimes months. And I know that when I'm an adult, it will be counted in years.

I realized that my life is starting to become marked by the people or events that affect me most. Like from second to fourth grade, it was the Tiffany and Monica time (they were my best friends back then). Or my scary 5th grade depression time. Or my obsessive figure skating time in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade.

I realized that I've realized a lot this year. I know I sound repetitive, but I have really grown a lot this year, and developed mentally and emotionally. I don't know if it's a good thing. Since I know that I won't be a kid forever, I want to do everything I can and take chances. But now I also sit at the computer on Friday afternoons and complain about all the things I never did, and how scared I am for the future.

If only I could stop time, I think that would be the end of my pursuit of happiness... I really think I would be happy if I could relive days like this forever.
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